To Boys I've Ever Loved

Dear first, I've to admit that you were totally beautiful as a marvelous twilight in my perfect day, a sugar to my cup of americano, cherry on the top of my cake, whipped cream on the top of my rainbow frape, let's say you were really something for me. Yeah, I loved you first so I didn't mind if I made a move first.  You were my muse. I could draw and write many things about you, about us. 

When you finally gave me a bar of chocolate, nothing special just a Silverqueen that everyone could buy everywhere. But because it was you, it became special. We decided to make new stories, together. You and me. 

We accidentally met your friend, and you nervously told him that I was your girlfriend just like you were not proud of me,  not even close. And I'm started to ask to myself "am I a disappointment for you?", "maybe I'm not that pretty so you didn't proud of me.", "do you really like me?" before I asked those, we had to long distance relationship. I moved to other city for academic reason. Everything seemed fine, till you weren't replying my text constantly and when I went back, you didn't want to meet me, "I'm sorry, I already have promises with my friends"

You accepted everything, my lunch box that I made for the first time in my whole life, my smile, my uncontrollably beat throb, except my feelings. when you said, I'm sorry I used to like you, once.

that time, I was crying on the phone. I said, "fine. let's break up." you answered, "OK."

Thank you for every great time, every physic and mathematic stuff we learned together, every sweat we shared of our morning routines ran around biggest field in the town, every laugh we shared were fun.

You weren't ready for long distance relationship, and I was demanding you to ready. and I learned that I shouldn't have any long distance relationship anymore. Ever. 

Dear second, you were special. you were my best friends, my partner in crime, my fashion consultant, my brother and my lover.

"just go out. I'm in front of your gate." then I found you bring McDonald's for me, just because I texted you I wanted to eat french fries plus ice cream minutes ago. 

I told you everything about how I felt, about girls who hated me, about my bad report, about what I ate last night, about my workout playlist, about my pet, about my family. when I said, "I'm afraid" and you came to me as soon as you could. You answered every anxious-silly questions I asked to you about my insecurities, to convinced me how much you loved me and how much I'm worth it. And when asked you, "how if..." you answered, "ssshhh, that's fine. you're doing good." And stroked my hair, calmly. 

I was your muse. You made several songs about me, about us. I was flattered, I was in tears first time I listened your song. You rarely said clearly how much you loved me, but I know I meant something for you. 

Thanks for giving me all you had. literally everything. You gave your time and your heart. But I'm so sorry all I gave to you was good bye And I burned the bridge. Such a catastrophe for losing you. The worst part of breaking up with you was losing you as my best friends. 

You said once, "maybe I'll go crazy if we're breaking up. I'm pretty sure take very long time to recover everything." but then, I found you already have a new girl. that's fine, you deserve to be happy. I'm glad you're happy. 

I'm sorry for everything, for my stubbornness, my mid-night called of insecurities, my every-bad-things. I'm sorry, I liked you but you weren't my muse. 

Dear third, you're a kind of my 'love-hate' book. I like to read like a fantasy novel, which I usually read but I know there must be monster who destroyed everything, a fire, and thousands tears. the more I read, I realized that book will never be real. Just like our relationship, full of fantasy, fire, but never be real. 

I swallowed my words about long distance relationship. Distance was between us. 

I like our moments, I like for the first time in forever I rode a Vespa--that baby blue one, we were riding around the city and shared lots of laugh. you asked, "have you tried these?" and when I answered "nope" you grabbed my hand, "let's try them. together." And you showed me many beautiful things. 

"yeah, she's my girlfriend!" you said to your friends, loudly. I was happy, at least I know you were proud of having me. We used to be happy for having each other. 

But then, here it comes--the monsters of our story. My insecurities, our stubbornness, and your selfishness. You hit me exactly in my insecurities. You started talked about your favorite ex-girlfriend, and I started hate myself why I can't be like her. 

You said, "I can't read you." no, you can read me but you won't. You only loved my flowers without loved my roots, and when fall is coming you didn't know what to do. You said, I need to understand you more. I tried, very hard. I was trying to understand everything I haven't experienced before. You said, again, that I didn't even try to understand. But, just because we had different way to learn and understand things, it doesn't mean I didn't try it.

I decided to go to the city, for meeting you. but you were really busy and didn't want to meet me, even for couple hours. I smelled something fishy. 

you hit me very hard when finally you said, "let's break up. it's useless. you're not worth it."

the end.

thank you so much for being my muse, the main character of my stories. from this relationship, I learned lots. I need to love myself first, I need to put myself on the first row, and you can't love only several parts of me--take it all or leave it and nothing in between